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mi*rage
it's a tedious task,
this dismantling of shared space,
this untangling of shared time.

this melancholic colonic is meant
to dislodge the diseased familiarity,
to distance the nostalgic conjunctions
(but, we could have been...
and, we once were...
if only...),

only, lonelier now,
but, lonely then,
and alone...
if only nearly numb,
numb, nearly, only if i...

...and i am still awash in wonderings of why
and when and why and what and why and how
and why and who and where might i be alive now
if i had only said no, then, instead of why not?

question marks are difficult to swallow,
difficult to digest,
and regurgitation of any emotional remains
stain the throat with bitterness
and train the tongue to distaste.

it's a tedious task,
this...


3/2/10
Fire Away
it's been five months since i last went to adrenochrome; tonight, though, i think i should visit, and so should you (at least consider the possibility). i was there for the first wednesday night nearly 3 years ago, and i feel, sentimentally, that it's fitting to be present for the last wednesday night (starting in january, the club will be on one friday a month). ...
(if you need more details: ADR)
3 comments or Fire Away



You are The Wheel of Fortune


Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success


The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?



many years ago, in another lifetime, my closest friend nicknamed me "ladybug," because i brought luck wherever i landed and to whomever i touched. recent years seem to have faded this ladybug's distinctive spots and eroded her luck-bringing abilities...
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On Tuesday (Nov. 8th) night (8pm, I think), Henry Rollins will be ranting & raving at the Palace of Fine Arts. I have four extra tickets to the show. The seats are fourth row, center (and cost around $35 each, including inconvenience fees). Interested? Let me know. (Calling me might be better at the moment, though, since I probably won't be online much in the next couple days.)
8 comments or Fire Away
Contrary to popular belief (and against the hopes of at least a few), I have not yet quite slipped off the planet's edge (though Newark, to some, might as well be another world), run away to Canada, been eaten by myrrh_myrrh, or any other such fantastic scenario. Really.

But rather than share with the class some essay on "What I Did on My Summer Vacation," I'm posting a poll, out of curiosity about your responses (and my own) and out of a sudden compulsion to make more use of my paid user status before it expires in a couple months.

What If Godzilla...Collapse )

Thank you and good night.

a mood: melancholy melancholy
what is heard: Apoptygma Berserk - In This Together

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time: more than a month of moments has passed since my last entry here.
trust: seems like lifetimes have passed by, lives passed away, life passed through, though only days have disappeared.

time: tonight at 9PM, Left on Calliope perform, in Alameda at Rooster's Roadhouse (details, see here).
trust: i promised i'd be there, paparazzi and supporter in full effect, but now doubt i'll be able to find a way up there.

time: time does not heal all wounds, especially those wounds with scabs continually clawed away.
trust: i no longer trust myself to not pick at scabs.

time: last month, i became a year older.
trust: i doubt i grew any wiser, though. in fact, i believe i may be dumber yet. certainly, i became less trusting, not just of humans in general (i've long been wary of trusting them), but especially of myself -- july eroded the faith i had in myself to know better, choose wiser, act better, care wiser... i lost faith in my ability to observe, to perceive, to understand, to avoid dangers and dangerous situations and danger-filled people. i don't trust my ability to know myself, on any physical or incorporeal level. i don't trust my ability to trust only those worthy... almost all i've trusted did not deserve the faith.

time: time to let go, move on, face the consequences of my failures.
trust: i doubt i'll be going anywhere, moving only in spinning circles or deeper down the dirt in digging my grave.
12 comments or Fire Away
perturbed. pained. packing. patient, impatient. planning. packing. procrastinating no more. pondering. packing. pissy (and unfortunately, a bit prissy). picky. packing. puzzled, mildly. pungent. packing. perhaps... p______. did i mention packing?

so done with it. well, not literally finished, unfortunately.

back to the night's scheduled program... right after one last "p."

p is for pussy (or picture):
7 comments or Fire Away
as has become too habitual for me and my tastes, i have waited until the last moment (or last hours, at least) to pack/transfer utilities/procure a truck or van or rickshaw of some sort/etc. i can profer excuses: i'm a bit overwhelmed by the daunting task of sorting through and boxing up over 7 years of belongings and accumulated trash; i get bogged down in the mini-meltdowns suffered when stumbling unprepared into memories; i have some personal matters to deal with (and similarly to procrastinate with in handling); i haven't had to undergo this tedious and frustrating process in more than 49 dog years. excuses, excuses... i make none, though. no excuses, only explanations, even if only partial ones at that. i am to blame, i am responsible, i am liable.

this is late notice, and i expect little to no response, but i'll ask anyway: anyone have a truck/van/back-ho (cuz i really wanna ride in the claw bucket thing)/cargo plane/whatever available for use (with compensation) tomorrow (friday) or any recommendations in terms of decent places from which to rent such a vehicle? moving from oakland to newark. (yes, newark. don't even ask.) (well, you can ask, i guess. but do you want to?)

while i'm at it: anyone have a back for rent/purchase? i'm in need of a transplant, actually, i'm in need of a full-body overhaul and chassis replacement, period, so if there are any bodysnatchers lurking about...
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(note the icon used for this post: the bizarro animated icon created by mr. mopmonster)(bizarro, indeed, but bitchin' nevertheless)(thank you)

complete set found in my gallery and the club's gallery, with sampling below (cluck the thumbnail for larger view):



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two roads diverged in a wood, and i -

i misread most signs and followed the lies,
and that has brewed some bitterness.

i chose neither road and walked along blind,
and have seen little difference.

i wished to walk both but dared not try,
and so stumble solo, wrong side of the fence.

i took the road less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
6 comments or Fire Away
thanks to countless grade-school drills, i'm relatively certain of how to respond if a tornado touched down. er, if one touched down while i happened to be inside a school, anyway (sit crosslegged in the hallway, facing the lockers, with interlaced hands protecting bent neck), or in the proximity of a basement/cellar or ditch. if an earthquake rumbled through, i should position myself (and myrrh, of course) in a structurally sound doorway, out of reach from potential falling objects of doom. in case of fire (which would not be detected by long-ago disabled smoke detectors in my apartment), travel low to the ground to avoid smoke inhalation, exercise caution when touching doorknobs, douse with flour - not water, and stop-drop-roll to put out any flames i may burst into. in case of demon possession or poltergeist invasion, call ghostbusters, some priest, or that odd little old lady. but what to do in case of tsunami? the standard solution is to "head for higher ground," but my ark is still in its initial phases of construction and thus not an option for escape.
Fire Away
and i'm always curious to learn others' impressions and perceptions, thus, i perpetuate this little thang:

1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
2. Go to http://images.google.com and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results.
4. Put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.
23 comments or Fire Away
it has been over 7 years since i last moved; i readily admit to a mild bit of trepidation and procrastination in (lack of) preparation for what needs to be done in the next few weeks. after so many (10+) years of either solitary residence or cohabitation with someone with whom i was "romantically involved" (plus a few brief stays by couchsurfers and such), i'll be residing with roommates. feels odd.

anyway. the point of this post is to request pointers and such from any persons with any pertinent ones to share, especially about potential places to move to (or not). there'll be four in total (plus myrrh), needing a minimum of two bedrooms and proximity to public transportation for me (and parking spaces for the others), for the first of july, in the vicinity of fremont or nearby. all recommendations and warnings welcome.
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over the past couple weeks, i've added new albums and uploaded recently taken photos. go to the gallery to find all; for here, a sampling:





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blame belladonna23 and riversprite...

blogland meme virus of the moment instructs:
"List five songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artist and the song in your blog along with your five songs. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."

1. bright eyes - lua
the mask i polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit
and i know you have a heavy heart
i can feel it when we kiss
and many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it

i've got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
and if you promise to stay conscious i will try and do the same
yeah we might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain
but what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane
and i'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
not something i would recommend but it is one way to live
cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

2. the birthday massacre - blue
3. decoded feedback - supernova
4. samiam - ordinary life
5. the retrosic - dragonfire

(disobeying the directions: no tagging of five others.)
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when i self-destruct
i intend to implode
& spare the surrounding
(not so) innocents any shrapnel
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i really hate it when memories sneak up on me for a full-on assault i'm not anticipating or prepared to face at the moment. like when i'm trying to burn a CD and insert what i think is a blank disc only to discover the disc is filled with photos from my past and my eyes are filled with tears that will soon enough pass and goddamnit, score one for the ghosts.
6 comments or Fire Away
a very happy birthday to a wonderful, wonder-full wonder full of life, despite all life has taken and all she has given.

pollytrance: celebrate your birth (i, and many others, do), celebrate your life (i, and many others, thank you for sharing yours with us) ... you deserve this happy day and many more.

oh, and here's further fuel for your lust:


and a flower for your trust:
3 comments or Fire Away
please excuse the apparent preoccupation with penis pills, patches, and other poppycock in recent posts... blame the spammers and perpetrators of such crap as:
"Over 72% of all women need a larger and thicker penis to reach sexual orgasm. You can enlarge your penis !!!"
i'm not about to say size doesn't matter; however, simply possessing a tool does little good if one doesn't know how to use that tool. great big dick does not equal great lover.

for the sake of fair representation of sexual body parts, here are a few photos of a pussy:
clickCollapse )
and finally, here are a few photos of some balls and asses:
click clickCollapse )
Fire Away
i sense great upheaval approaching.

obvious bits of evidence:

1) i went bowling today.
1a) i broke 100 while bowling, a feat accomplished a mere handful of times by me.
2) someone smashed the glass plate at the apartment building's lobby entrance to pieces this evening.
3) screams and cries and other odd noises and sights from surrounding buildings have increased drastically
4) i actually felt an earthquake tonight (shook the entire building)
4a) my cat barely woke up for the tremors (i thought animals were supposed to sense such phenomena in advance, and freak out?)
5) the sky is falling.
5 comments or Fire Away